Tag Archives: Family

My German Wife Offers the Perfect Alternative to Traditional Childbirth

pregnancy-humor-childbirth-natural-birth-home-germany

Kuato says, “Open your mind.” — Photo Credit: eyeliam (Jason Lander – https://www.flickr.com/photos/eyeliam/) — Subject to Copyright, Attribution 2.0 Generic

Back in March of 2013, my German wife and I were watching the entire collection of Firefly — you know, the greatest sci-fi TV series of all time? — and yet still, I had to make her watch it, because although she is a huge nerd, she just isn’t a futuristic, spaceship kind of nerd.)

There’s this one episode of Firefly called Heart of Gold, in which a brothel comes under attack by an evil tyrant hellbent on claiming his biological infant son from one of the young prostitutes he’d impregnated. The heroes of the show come to the brothel’s aid and a massive gunfight ensues. It’s a spectacle of bullets, laser beams and garter belts — pretty much the sexiest shootout ever — but during the mayhem, the pregnant girl goes into labor.

She starts screaming, hollering and pouring fluids from her nether regions. (It was a rather effective deterrent for anyone inclined to bring a new soul into the world.) My wife was watching this woman thrashing around and hollering in pain when she turned to me and said:

“It’s so weird that humans reproduce this way. I would rather lay an egg.”

*Would you like to read another post about my German wife’s attitude toward having babies? Check out this other gem: My German Wife Shops for American Baby Gifts

 


 

My German Wife Tells the Worst Inside Joke of All-Time

rabbit-eating-carrot-on-dinner-plate-funny-cute

“Wait, is there a punchline here?” Photo Credit: Joseph Sardin (https://www.flickr.com/photos/14328577@N08/) — Subject to copyright (CC Attribution 2.0 Generic)

Sometime in February of 2013, my German wife and I spent a weekend with her parents in their charming little house. My wife’s father — who shall henceforth be known as ‘Papa Thunderchops,’ due to his epic silver sideburns — was sitting at the kitchen table peeling carrots. Except for when he is outside tending to his garden, Papa Thunderchops is always in the kitchen peeling something: apples, carrots, potatoes… the man just loves to peel shit. So I sat down next to him and started helping, and that’s when my wife came into the room to find the two of us hunched over a rapidly filling bowl of carrot skins.

THE WIFE: “Want to hear a joke my family likes to tell each other?”

ME: “Absolutely.”

THE WIFE: “Carrots are good for your eyes. Do you know why?”

ME: “Why?”

THE WIFE: “Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?”

*The joke was so bad I actually started laughing. Hard. I was left to wonder, however, if it might be a common joke here in Germany. My wife insists only her family tells it, but that can’t be true. Have you ever heard it before?