Tag Archives: Deutschland

Denglish 86: My German Wife Warns Me About the Mythological Beast in Our Bathtub

Has your spouse ever shrieked about a spider running across the living room floor? Has he or she called to you for help because a big, disgusting moth came in the window? What about larger problems, like birds or bats trapped in the house? And heaven forbid a true monster ever claws its way into your precious domicile; something which absolutely cannot be subdued with a wad of squeamishly-handled tissue paper or a phone book wielded with a grossly unnecessary amount of killing power.

No, a real beast would make anyone freak right the hell out, so imagine the terror I experienced when my German wife entered our bathroom and cried out to me:

THE WIFE: “There is a thousand-feet worm in the bathtub!”*

*It was a centipede, or “Tausendfüßler.”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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Video: Expat Couple Mocks Wild Pigs at the Tiergarten in Hannover, Germany

On February 2nd, 2013, The Wife and I took a trip to the Hannover Tiergarten. The word “Tiergarten” translates literally to “Animal Garden,” which always makes me think of snarling lions springing from cabbage crops and giraffes falling from fruit trees — splattering on the ground beside pink afterbirths of overripe fruit pulp. Can you imagine? Fur-covered limbs sprouting from roots and blossoms. Yellowed fangs stabbing outward from bramble thickets. Green vegetable juice spraying into the eyes of stunned onlookers. Children pawing at their parent’s coat sleeves, trying to hide their eyes and escape a lifetime of emotional scarring. The crowd turning to run — a moment too late — for Spring has arrived at… The Animal Garden.

Anyway, we came across these disgusting pigs called “Wildschweine,” and I decided to film them slogging through their own filth. These videos made me want to stop eating pork forever. Seriously, I was done. No more swine for me. Then I snapped out of it, glanced at my calendar and realized it was time for my monthly Bacon Bath!

“Honey, call the butcher and fire up Charlotte’s Web; I’ve got my ham goggles on and I’m diving into a bathtub full of porkbellies!”

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Denglish 79: My German Wife Can Burp Harder Than Anyone. Ever.

Let me begin by saying my wife can burp. Hard. She can burp so loud it makes me want to throw up a little. I think she’s been practicing her burps since she was a little girl in Germany. (I like to picture her running through an apple orchard, one tiny fist wrapped around a stump of liverwurst, mouth open wide and belting out a burp so loud the earth is shaking… apples falling from the trees… little German rabbits huddled together, seeking comfort as they fear for their very lives…)

So, back in early November of 2012, while we were still living in Portland, Oregon, The Wife and I went to my parent’s house for dinner. It was a pleasant evening, rife with laughter, good food and embarrassing childhood photos in which my American weenie was proudly displayed for the amusement of all. After dinner, The Wife and I drove home on I-5 and talked about how our car had been sideswiped just a few weeks prior (a memory which never fails to piss her off, even to this very day). She was tired, and spoke with this kind of drowsy German accent, which made it abundantly clear she was at least half drunk:

THE WIFE: “If we get sideswiped right now… *BURRRRRP* …I’m pissed.”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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Pictures: Our Looney Tunes Trip to Berlin – January, 2013

Oh Kreuzberg, you big silly. Is that a meat-eating flower jutting out from a mural of pure, German madness? "Have fun on your way to school, kids!"

Oh Berlin, you big silly. Is that a meat-eating flower jutting out from a mural of pure, German madness? “Have fun on your way to school, kids!”

The Wife and I were recently visited by one of our very close friends from Portland, Oregon. We shall call him, “Looney Tunes.” Looney Tunes spent New Year’s with us in Hannover, and then on January 2nd, we all took the CE train to Berlin.

I’d only been to Berlin once before, back in June of 2011, and that trip was wildly different. It was summer and we were staying in Mitte. This time around, it was winter and we were staying in Kreuzberg. Kreuzberg used to be punk rocker central and it was scary as hell, but it is rapidly being gentrified. Walking down the street, the buildings go like this: scary apartment building, crazy graffiti mural, depressing pub, Turkish döner place, Vietnamese restaurant, scary apartment building, really nice coffee shop. It’s kind of jarring how the places with money stick out from the rest, but Kreuzberg does have its own unique charm, I suppose. Looney Tunes absolutely loved it. The Wife and I will stick to our quiet little Hannover for now.

Here are some of the pictures from our trip. We hope you like them!

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Denglish 78: My German Wife Asks Me Not to Strike Her Loins

Back in early 2012, The Wife and I were watching a movie in our living room. I can’t remember now, but it was probably a chick flick like Sex and the City 2 or Eat Pray Love — something my wife forced me to add to my Netflix queue, forever sullying its masculine streak of pure, testicle-powered entertainment. (Wait, that sounded like gay porn, didn’t it.)

So, sometime during the second half of the movie, I stood up to get a glass of water from the kitchen, swatted my wife’s thigh and asked, “Would you like anything while I’m up?”

She replied calmly, without turning her gaze from the TV screen.

THE WIFE: “Please don’t slap my fat meat.”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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Culture Shock 5: Five Things That Suck About Living in Germany

Let me begin by saying life in Germany is awesome. I love it here! I have, however, learned a thing or two about the realities of life abroad. What follows is a list of discoveries, oddities and annoyances revealed in my first months as an expat American living in Hannover, Germany:

  1. The common American advice, “Don’t worry about the language barrier in Germany; everybody speaks English,” is false. Everybody speaks a little English in Hannover, and they are terribly self-conscious about using it. Younger Germans are more likely to speak English, and I’ve met several who are fluent. However, if they aren’t fluent, and you desperately need to locate the nearest restroom, you’ll soon find yourself gesticulating wildly as you try not to make pants pickles.
  2. There are pharmacies on every goddamn block. Seriously. They’re called “Apotheken,” and they are everywhere in this city. You can go to the nearest Apotheke and get your prescription filled. You can also purchase a wide variety of over-the-counter medications which do absolutely nothing. It goes like this: you must convince the pharmacist you have a cold and then intimately describe your most disgusting symptoms, after which time, if they believe you, they hand you a box of herbal tea. “Thank you Sir! I was going to drown my symptoms in a near-lethal dose of NyQuil, but this lemon-flavored tea should prove just as effective!”
  3. Germans are impatient. They have zero tolerance for delays, lines or traffic of any kind. They operate at top speed, which is why, in the cashier line at the grocery store, you better pay for your items and get the hell out of the way, because Dieter von Shufflestein is right on your ass. The first time I tried to put my change away before taking my groceries from the counter, my items were suddenly overrun with those belonging to the person behind me. His pickled herring and canned hotdogs were all up in my situation, and he didn’t even care a bit. I wanted so desperately to turn to him and scream, “Bitch, I am going to throw your nasty shit all over the floor if you do not get off my Kool-Aid!”
  4. Craft beers and dark beers have yet to really catch on in Germany. I’m from Portland, Oregon, so I’m accustomed to an amazing variety of beer, but over here, I mostly see pilsner and hefeweizen. I’m not complaining, mind you; the pilsner here is rather strong, and my wife can always tell when I have, as she puts it, “a pilsner-buzz” on. Oh, and liquor is super cheap here. Like, $7 for a fifth of rum, type cheap. I mean, hell, that’s not just cheap, that’s cheap as balls.
  5. Recycling is a monumental pain in the ass. (I’m only speaking of apartment living with this one, and specifically, apartment living in the city of Hannover.) Glass can only be returned in these round tanks on the sidewalk, which look like giant metal boobies. And just like real boobies, they’re nowhere to be found when you need them. Recycling makes absolutely no sense to me here. You have to put your organic compost, or “Bio” garbage into plastic bags — yes, plastic bags — and take them down to the dumpster. Random items (like cotton swabs, tissue paper and tampons) go into clear plastic bags and are taken to an entirely different dumpster. Regular paper goes into blue plastic bags, while metal and plastic go into yellow bags; both of which are picked up from the street once per week… by different companies. Oh, and if you buy a bottle of water at a certain grocery store, and you want to recycle it and get your deposit back, you have to take it back to that exact same grocery store. So, with all of these convoluted rules and the counterproductive use of plastic in the recycling process, I kind of want to make a German flag out of rubber tires and hairspray bottles in the middle of a busy street and set that shit on fire.

Click here to learn more about the term “Culture Shock.”

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Writing and Blogging: Results of the 2012 Expat Blog Awards – Germany

2012 Expats Blog Award - Germany - Honor

The results are in! The Expats Blog announced its winning blog selections for the country of Germany! With your help, we managed to win the Honour 2012 award. There were 3 top awards — Gold, Silver and Bronze — plus 3 Honourable Mention awards, all of which were selected from a pool of over 43 German expat blogs. This is really something! But you know what really took me by surprise? All of the support our readers showed for our blog.

In particular, we’d like to thank:

  1. The Expats Blog, who writes www.expatsblog.com, found our blog and nominated us for this award in the first place. Great site you guys! Keep up the good work!
  2. Toff Oliver, who writes www.hadafewbeers.com. He wrote an incredibly kind post about our blog and urged his own readers to vote for us. Please check out his blog and help return some of the love!
  3. Aldonna, who writes www.ahundredmiles.wordpress.com. Her blog is private, but she re-posted our nomination article and asked her readers to vote for us.
  4. Anja, who writes www.diestadtderengel.wordpress.com, gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review. She is also a regular reader and commenter on our blog.
  5. Germerican Denglish, who writes www.germericandenglish.wordpress.com, gave us 5 stars and wrote a very flattering review.
  6. Jaton’ West, who writes oldamericanladyinberlin.wordpress.com gave us 5 stars and a great review.
  7. Germany-USA Career Center, who writes www.germany-usa.com, gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review.
  8. Alex K, who gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review.
  9. Geoff Freeman, who gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review.
  10. Charlotte, who gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review.
  11. Christina, who gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review.
  12. Michael Sadowski, who gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review.
  13. PolkaDot45, who gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review.
  14. Lindsey, who gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review.
  15. Gary Casebeer, who gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review.
  16. Randy Patton, who gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review.
  17. Nick, who gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review.
  18. Netz44, who gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review.
  19. David Sale, who gave us 4 stars and wrote a great review.

If I have somehow misplaced your review, vote or tweet and neglected to list you here, please go to our contact page and email us! Also, if I have, in fact, listed you here but failed to include your website or blog, please email us as well! It is very important we promote your work in return!

And as an extra show of gratitude, I’d like to share with you one of my very favorite German commercials. It is simultaneously adorable and hilarious:

Thank you all for reading and have a wonderful holiday season!

Oh God, My Wife Is German.

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