Tag Archives: Blogging

Inspirational Bloggers: Robert Hamburger, Author of The Official Ninja Webpage – Real Ultimate Power

Posted on April 8, 2013 | 11 Comments
Image courtesy of realultimatepower.net

Image courtesy of realultimatepower.net

The Top Humor Bloggers Who Inspired Me to Start my Own Blog, Part 2:

Robert Hamburger, Author of The Official Ninja Webpage – Real Ultimate Power

I found this site back in 2002, a year after I graduated from college. Listing various reasons why ninjas are the coolest and greatest beings on the planet, Robert Hamburger made me laugh out loud by listing ‘facts’ as seen through the adopted persona of a 13 year-old teenager. Through the characterization of this pseudonym, Hamburger wielded a very raw form of satire, which perfectly spotlighted the fan pages and internet homages celebrating all things awesome back in the early 2000s.

I loved the astronomical level of confidence with which he wrote. Without the slightest hint of doubt, the author would make a statement running on nothing but raw enthusiasm, throw a hundred exclamation points at it and then dare you to disagree. There was such power in his adolescent fury. He made me want to play along immediately, not only because of the boldness of his tone, but also because he reminded me of myself at age 13. I adored ninjas, monsters and super heroes of all kinds. I drew pictures of them, made up stories and played games — all with that same blind worship Hamburger imitated so effortlessly.

Image courtesy of realultimatepower.net

Image courtesy of realultimatepower.net

Robert Hamburger’s site taught me about the art of internet satire. It showed me how to form a fictional personality — to wear it like a mask — and generate boundless humor by writing about the way that personality views the world. Additionally, it taught me how to mock something by exaggerating it; to join in the chorus surrounding a certain subject and sing so loudly, so absurdly, one cannot be ignored. The Colbert Report is a great example of satire in which a fictional personality is adopted for the sake of exaggeration.

I read and reread The Official Ninja Webpage dozens of times. I had it bookmarked on my computer at work so I could read it every Monday morning, when the great machine of post-collegiate employment was just beginning to crush the life from my soul. I bought a Real Ultimate Power t-shirt — as did several of my friends — and wore it proudly for years. It was my absolute favorite article of clothing, and I wore it until the day I fell asleep too close to a campfire at the base of Mt. Hood and an ember exploded, showering me with sparks and riddling my ninja shirt with burn holes.

Image courtesy of cafepress.com and realultimatepower.net

Image courtesy of cafepress.com and realultimatepower.net

The Official Ninja Webpage received millions of hits and prompted interviews by Brown University, Citynet Magazine and Public Radio International. The site gained the attention of the New York Times, evoked countless internet memes and imitation sites, and spawned Real Ultimate Power, The Official Ninja Book, which became a cult hit, selling 35,000 copies in just 2 years. Robert Hamburger earned all of this attention and blazed the trail for other internet authors, like Tucker Max and Maddox, because he sat down one day and decided to spout off about the sweetness of ninjas.

Here is a quote pulled from the site’s introduction:

“Hi, this site is all about ninjas, REAL NINJAS. This site is awesome. My name is Robert and I can’t stop thinking about ninjas. These guys are cool; and by cool, I mean totally sweet.”

Here is another quote. This one is from the Testimonial section:

“Ninjas are sooooooooooo sweet that I want to crap my pants. I can’t believe it sometimes, but I feel it inside my heart. These guys are totally awesome and that’s a fact. Ninjas are fast, smooth, cool, strong, powerful, and sweet. I can’t wait to start yoga next year. I love ninjas with all of my body (including my pee pee).”

And finally, here is a quote from the Q and A section:

Q: I heard that ninjas are always cruel or mean. What’s their problem?
A: Whoever told you that is a total liar. Just like other mammals, ninjas can be mean OR totally awesome.

Much like The Reverand (sic) Nathan Runkel of Cartoon Girls I Wanna Nail, Robert Hamburger does not update his site regularly. He does add to his news page from time to time, but not nearly often enough for diehard fans like me who started their own blogs with a massive dose of inspiration from The Official Ninja Webpage.

You can follow Robert Hamburger on Twitter at @RobertHamburger and on YouTube at http://www.youtube.com/user/RealUltimatePowerVid.

official-ninja-webpage-real-ultimate-power-link

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Inspirational Bloggers: The Reverand Nathan Runkel, Author of Cartoon Girls I Wanna Nail

Posted on March 11, 2013 | 16 Comments
Cartoon Girls I Wanna Nail Original Logo

Image courtesy of geocities.ws/CaptNish/

The Top Humor Bloggers Who Inspired Me to Start my Own Blog, Part 1:

The Reverand Nathan Runkel, Author of Cartoon Girls I Wanna Nail

I found this site back in 1997, when I was a freshman in college. Moving through scenes of graphic sexual fantasies with cartoon characters, The Reverand (sic) Nathan Runkel made me laugh by using a series of one-liners and unique idioms driven by a desperately oversexed writing style. I was shocked by his audacity — his chutzpah — and the sheer balls it must have taken to put this kind of humor out there on the internet for everyone to see. And this was back in the 1990s, mind you, when people were still learning to “surf the web.”

I immediately understood Runkel’s website was a joke; he didn’t need to tell me his site was just a gag — I got it, and I loved it. The posts were written with this kind of free-form, turbo-powered, adolescent sexuality, and they were totally unapologetic for their content. I thought to myself, here’s a guy who just went for it. He didn’t care about offending anyone or worry about people taking his writing seriously; he just sat down in front of his computer and started writing ridiculous things he thought were funny.

X-Men Female Characters

Image courtesy of oocities.org/televisioncity/1356/x-chicks.htm

Runkel’s site taught me a valuable lesson about resisting the urge to play it safe. It helped me understand that if I really wanted to write the kind of humor I found funny — laugh out loud funny — I was going to have to take risks. I would need to be open and honest, because the greatest jokes always have a lining of truth beneath them. I also knew I would inevitably meet with some amount of disapproval, maybe even resistance, because the most potent humor always offends a few people. If it doesn’t, it’s probably not very funny. My own blog, Oh God, My Wife Is German, isn’t terribly risqué, and yet I’ve lost a few followers because they were offended by my content. Sites like Cartoon Girls I Wanna Nail, with its unflinching dedication to shock humor, help remind me those people probably shouldn’t have been reading my blog in the first place.

Cartoon Girls I Wanna Nail received well over one million hits in its early days. The author received numerous awards and accolades, and was invited to do interviews from people all over the globe. He received national attention in the Washington Post and Complex Magazine, and was featured in Maureen Dowd’s book Are Men Necessary?: When Sexes Collide. He even landed a job writing jokes for a TV show. All of this recognition occurred in spite of the fact that the site was rife with swear words and graphic sexual situations. (You’ve been warned.)

Velma from Scooby Doo

Image courtesy of oocities.org/televisioncity/1356/scoob.htm

Here is a quote pulled from the page titled “Scooby’s Bitches,” dedicated to the women of Scooby Doo. This portion was written specifically about the character Velma:

“Another thing. She’s always wearing that huge sweater thing. I bet you underneath, she’s got these big juicy titties that I could just fall in love with. I remember as a child how I always wanted to sneak up behind her and run my hands up her sweater and just find out once and for all how huge those tits were. And while I did that, I’d slip a lil’ sumpin’ up her skirt. Yub yub.”

And here’s another quote. This one is from the page titled “The Vicious Lips of the Baroness,” dedicated to The Baroness character from the G.I. Joe cartoon series.

Image of The Baroness from G.I.Joe

Image courtesy of goosaba.blogspot.de/

“Ever check out her mouth? Look at it. I would violate her vicious little mouth like there’s no tomorrow. Could you imagine what it would be like to have that mouth rinsing your meat bongo up in a frenzy until you send your love goo straight down the back of her throat? You wouldn’t be able to stop me from doing such fantastic things to that ass. I’d have to quit my job, ’cause I would never leave my bed if I was with her. I would fuck her paralyzed. That’s a promise.”

I wish Reverand Runkel would refresh his site and continue writing. I would be his most dedicated follower. Alas, the original CGIWN site is long gone, but it has been resurrected through this mirror site under the author’s new handle, The Rev. Nate Dawg.

You can follow Nathan Runkel on Twitter at @natethreepoint0

Image courtesy of geocities.ws/CaptNish/main.html

Image courtesy of geocities.ws/CaptNish/main.html

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Writing and Blogging: Our Expat Blog Gets the WordPress 2012 Year in Review Treatment

Posted on January 10, 2013 | 9 Comments

Check out these sweet facts and statistics for our blog generated by WordPress.com! (Honestly, I had no idea the numbers could be broken down like this, which reinforces the fact that I have the math skills of a walnut.)

Here’s an excerpt:

19,000 people fit into the new Barclays Center to see Jay-Z perform. This blog was viewed about 80,000 times in 2012. If it were a concert at the Barclays Center, it would take about 4 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Oh, and be sure to check out the list of top commenters toward the bottom of the page. You guys are the best!

To all our readers: We hope you and your loved ones are having a wonderful new year!

– Oh God, My Wife Is German.

Click here to see the complete 2012 Year in Review.

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Writing and Blogging: Results of the 2012 Expat Blog Awards – Germany

Posted on December 19, 2012 | 6 Comments

2012 Expats Blog Award - Germany - Honor

The results are in! The Expats Blog announced its winning blog selections for the country of Germany! With your help, we managed to win the Honour 2012 award. There were 3 top awards — Gold, Silver and Bronze — plus 3 Honourable Mention awards, all of which were selected from a pool of over 43 German expat blogs. This is really something! But you know what really took me by surprise? All of the support our readers showed for our blog.

In particular, we’d like to thank:

  1. The Expats Blog, who writes www.expatsblog.com, found our blog and nominated us for this award in the first place. Great site you guys! Keep up the good work!
  2. Toff Oliver, who writes www.hadafewbeers.com. He wrote an incredibly kind post about our blog and urged his own readers to vote for us. Please check out his blog and help return some of the love!
  3. Aldonna, who writes www.ahundredmiles.wordpress.com. Her blog is private, but she re-posted our nomination article and asked her readers to vote for us.
  4. Anja, who writes www.diestadtderengel.wordpress.com, gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review. She is also a regular reader and commenter on our blog.
  5. Germerican Denglish, who writes www.germericandenglish.wordpress.com, gave us 5 stars and wrote a very flattering review.
  6. Jaton’ West, who writes oldamericanladyinberlin.wordpress.com gave us 5 stars and a great review.
  7. Germany-USA Career Center, who writes www.germany-usa.com, gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review.
  8. Alex K, who gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review.
  9. Geoff Freeman, who gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review.
  10. Charlotte, who gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review.
  11. Christina, who gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review.
  12. Michael Sadowski, who gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review.
  13. PolkaDot45, who gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review.
  14. Lindsey, who gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review.
  15. Gary Casebeer, who gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review.
  16. Randy Patton, who gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review.
  17. Nick, who gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review.
  18. Netz44, who gave us 5 stars and wrote a great review.
  19. David Sale, who gave us 4 stars and wrote a great review.

If I have somehow misplaced your review, vote or tweet and neglected to list you here, please go to our contact page and email us! Also, if I have, in fact, listed you here but failed to include your website or blog, please email us as well! It is very important we promote your work in return!

And as an extra show of gratitude, I’d like to share with you one of my very favorite German commercials. It is simultaneously adorable and hilarious:

Thank you all for reading and have a wonderful holiday season!

– Oh God, My Wife Is German.

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Denglish 71: My German Wife and Her Unique Tool for Hair Removal

Posted on September 12, 2012 | 4 Comments
grooming chimps at the zoo

“Tell me the truth. Do you still think I’m pretty?” — Image courtesy of chimpanzoo.org

Let me be clear on something, in case you haven’t already figured this out; my wife and I are disgusting. We openly fart in front of each other then laugh about it, we clean up each other’s vomit and other bodily fluids, and we pinch and pop all manner of nasty skin developments on each other’s skin… just like a couple of chimpanzees grooming one another at the Zoo. On one such occasion in the early days of 2012, while she was pinching an ingrown hair on my leg, my wife stated with frustration…

THE WIFE: “My fingers can’t reach. I need the clapper.”

ME: “You mean tweezers?”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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Author of “Oh God, My Wife Is German” Expatriates to Germany

Posted on September 2, 2012 | 48 Comments

Oh God My Wife Is German Logo

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Contact Information:
Alberto Fummelotz
VP Communications
Oh God, My Wife Is German.
(503) 123-4567

“Oh God, My Wife Is German” Actually Moves to Germany

“Oh God, My Wife Is German,” a snark-ridden marriage blog founded in Portland, Oregon, is moving its base of operations to Hannover, Germany.

PORTLAND, OR (September 2, 2012) — “Oh God, My Wife Is German,” an ostentatious and wildly sarcastic blog highlighting the misadventures and near total communication breakdowns occurring between an American husband and his German wife, is packing up its imaginary office in Portland, Oregon, and moving to Hannover, Germany. The blog’s author is a native of Portland, where he works as a full-time graphic designer and copywriter. “This is a huge change for me and I’m really nervous,” stated the author. “In fact, I’m about 99% sure I’m going to throw up right now.”

Shannon Elizabeth“Oh God, My Wife Is German” revolves primarily around the author’s spouse, referred to only as The Wife. According to the blog, The Wife is a fun, smart and (unintentionally) hilarious German woman. She also happens to be gorgeous. “Seriously, she looks like Shannon Elizabeth from that movie American Pie, minus the fake hooters,” said the author. The Wife holds two Master’s degrees and is currently attaining her Ph.D. while working as a Gymnasium teacher in Hannover, Niedersachsen, Germany. She is cited frequently in posts categorized as “Denglish,” which feature direct quotes providing insight into her experiences with the English language and her unique sense of humor at large. In one such post, as the couple was shopping for baby gifts, they observed a small outfit apparently intended for a newborn. With her characteristically matter-of-fact tone of voice, The Wife observed, “Look how small it is. Definitely for a fresh baby.”

Hannover Rathaus seen from the MaschseeThe couple has been apart since mid-June, when The Wife returned to Germany after a year-long stay in the United States on a work visa teaching primary school students. She has spent the past few months setting up their new apartment in Hannover. “She found us an awesome apartment there,” said the author. “She furnished it all, from floor to ceiling — literally — because apparently Germans take everything when they move out. Like, when she said we needed to ‘buy a kitchen,’ I thought she meant a dishwasher and a couple of plates or something. Oh no; she meant our kitchen would begin with four walls, an electrical outlet and a couple of water pipes. I have since learned that when a German moves out of an apartment, that motherfucker takes everything. Even the light fixtures.”

funny craigslist personal adWhile The Wife readies their new home in Hannover, the author has been frantically dismantling their previous life in Portland. As a homeowner, he prepared their house for a future renter while selling extraneous furniture, clothing and appliances on Craigslist. “Why would you haggle over a $15 weight scale?” asked the author. “It’s basically free; you’re just moving it out of my house for me. Do you really need to know its exact measurements, usage history and feng shui potential? God I hate people from Craigslist.”

The author will board his flight to Germany on Sunday, September 2nd, and arrive in the arms of his loving (and inexplicably patient) spouse the following day. Once settled, he intends to resume regular blog posts to “Oh God, My Wife Is German,” in which he will write about life as an American expatriate in Germany and mercilessly needle all things Teutonic… especially The Wife.

For additional information, please email us through our contact page, follow us on Twitter or “like” our Facebook page.

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Denglish 42: The German Sizes Up Daniel Radcliffe

Posted on December 14, 2011 | 8 Comments

As my wife and I watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part II, I made a comment about Daniel Radcliffe’s remarkably slight, 5’6″ build:

ME: “My God that Harry Potter is small.”

THE WIFE: “In German we say, ‘Er ist eine halbe Portion,’ which means, “He is a half portion.’ “

Daniel Radcliffe on the red carpet

"Wingardium Leviosa."

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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Denglish 41: My German Wife Requires Garlic

Posted on December 5, 2011 | 11 Comments
It Stinks!

"No! I love it! I swear!"

Sometime last year, The Wife and I were discussing our shopping list over the phone. We were planning to make a casserole and our list was nearly complete, but I asked if there were any additional items we might need. She responded thusly:

THE WIFE: “Oh, we do need garlic. We make it nasty with stink!”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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