Tag Archives: Blogging

Weirdest Google Search Engine Terms Used by an American Blogger in Germany

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Don’t let that innocent face fool you: He’s googling ‘german he-sluts in tartar sauce.’ — Image Credit: Johan Viirok (https://www.flickr.com/photos/viirok/) — Subject to CC 2.0 License.

Have you ever taken a real close look at your internet search history? Even just the past week or so? Without benefit of context, pretty much every single phrase you’ve used over the past 7 days will make you sound like a dangerously lonely sociopath.

So, for this post, I’ve taken screenshots of my latest search engine terms. Sometimes I was searching for funny images for blog posts I was writing at the time. Sometimes I was genuinely curious about a freakishly random topic. Other times I wanted to find a funny article or video I’d seen recently. And a few times I was making sure some joke or obscure reference I wanted to write about had not been written by anyone before. But most of the time I was just being me; an American expat slowly losing his mind in Hannover, Germany.

Please click the first thumbnail image below to start the slideshow. (WARNING: Some screenshots may [definitely] contain explicit/offensive terminology):

What about you? Which of your own search terms put a sick little smile on your face? The comments section is WIDE open…


 

The Misadventures of an American Expat and His Wife in Germany: 2015 Annual Blog Report

40,000 WordPress Followers Badge Ribbon AwardOh God, My Wife Is German:

The Misadventures of an American Expat and His Wife in Germany — 2015 Annual Blog Report

As a dear and valued reader, we thought you might like to see how things went for our blog over the past 12 months. We gathered a bunch of new graphic design clients, made some great new friends, and even crossed the 40,000 followers mark — it was crazy! Take a look and see how much of an impact your participation made!

See, with fellow bloggers like franhunne4u, aurorajeanalexander and thebritishberliner providing us with the most comments in 2015, lots of devoted fans reblogging and sharing our posts each month, and our other awesome readers keeping us fueled with their consistent words of support, we’re feeling encouraged and ready to rock even harder in 2016. So thank you, Dear Reader. Seriously. You keep the words flowing.

As for the annual report, here’s an interesting fact: The busiest day of the year was January 20th, with 5,638 views. The most popular post was False Friends: 15 Examples How the German Language Is Trying to Kill You.

Would you like to read some other interesting results from our blog? Click here to see the complete report.

Screen Shot 2016-01-08 at 2.50.41 PM

Thank you for reading and have a wonderful new year!

— OGM


 

Reader Survey: Should I Self-Publish a Book Based upon My Blog, ‘Oh God, My Wife Is German.’?

bad writing writers block funny frustrated author

“Help me. Oh please God help me.” — Image Credit: Drew Coffman (https://www.flickr.com/photos/drewcoffman/) — Image subject to CC 2.0 License.

Hello, my dear, devoted and totally awesome readers. I need your help:

For a few years now, I’ve been considering writing a self-published book stemming from this blog, but I need some information from you first before I embark on such a ridiculous adventure. Below is a survey which will help me out a lot as I make my decision. Would you mind taking like 5 seconds out of your day to answer a few questions?

If so: you rule. If not: that’s okay too (dick). But as you answer, please assume the following:

  1. The book would contain 100% sarcastic humor, just like this blog.
  2. It would tell the story beginning from the moment my German wife and I met in the United States, right on up to today, as we live together in Hannover, Germany.
  3. It would contain several of my wife’s very best Denglish quotes. (A ‘greatest hits’ type section, if you will.)
  4. It would weave my most traumatic culture shock experiences throughout the story.
  5. It would NOT be a simple regurgitation of the posts you’ve already read on this blog.
  6. It would be completely hilarious. (I hope. Because if it’s not, I will throw myself off the nearest bridge.)

With these things in mind, here we go!

 

That’s it! So, uh… thank you very much for your time!

Bunny with a pancake on its head

“Seriously though: THANK YOU. You guys rock.” — Image Credit: Andreas Matern (https://www.flickr.com/photos/amatern/) — Subject to CC 2.0 License. (Text added by me, though it is hardly original.)

Oh, and if you can think of anything else I’ve forgotten or might consider in terms of self-publishing, please leave me a note in the comments section below.

Have an awesome week everyone! YEAH!!

— OGM

The Top 10 Funniest (and Most Bizarre) Google Search Engine Terms Used to Find Our Blog

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“Delete. History. NOW.” — Image Credit: Libelul (https://www.flickr.com/photos/libelul60/) Subject to CC 2.0 License.

Until recently, I assumed people came to our blog for a quick laugh. Maybe to read one of my wife’s Denglish quotes, or perhaps to read about the culture shock I’ve experienced as an American expat in Germany. What I did not expect, however, was the sheer number of people who’ve accidentally stumbled across our blog due to misdirected Google searches. (And oh holy Christ, the Internet really is fueled by porn, isn’t it…)

For this post, I’ve taken screenshots of the latest search terms used to land people on our site and highlighted my favorites in yellow. Please click the first thumbnail image below to start the slideshow. (WARNING: Many contain sexually explicit or otherwise hilarious terminology):

… and of course, way down at the bottom, is my favorite search term of all time:

All-Time-Funniest-Google-Search-Engine-Terms

Summary:

I have to give it to our accidental blog visitors; they do find creative ways to find us. There’s at least one every day who makes me laugh, and for that, I must award these Google search engine terms with a strong 4 out of 5 Merkel Diamonds:

Merkel Diamond from Angela Merkel, Prime Minister of Germany

What about you? Which search terms put a naughty little smile on your face? The comments section is open as hell.


Graphic Designer in Portland, Oregon and Hannover, Germany - Grafikdesigner Illustrator Copywriter

When Your German Wife Makes More Money than You: Lessons from an American Expat in Germany

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“It’s not a contest, Dear.” — Photo Credit:
Vladimir Pustovit (https://www.flickr.com/photos/pustovit/) — Subject to CC 2.0 Copyright.

As you know, I am a graphic designer from Portland, Oregon. After my German wife and I were married, I dropped everything — including a house, car and full-time job — and moved with her to Hannover, Germany. Overnight, I morphed from a gainfully employed agency designer to a nervously self-employed freelance designer, complete with panic attacks and night terrors in which my home mortgage  — personified by an accountant with the head of a bull — would chase me down and stab me repeatedly with a rolled-up copy of my credit report: “You’re gonna miss your next payment, you little bitch. And you’ll probably miss the one after that too, because you don’t have a steady source of income. You’re just a worthless little piece of monkey shit, aren’t you? And your wife is too nice to tell you, but your breath always sucks.”

Luckily, it all worked out. I built up a client base filled with awesome, inspirational people — most of whom found me through this blog — and I’m enjoying the hell out of working for myself. (Company policies include: “Casual Monday-through-Friday,” “Pantless Skype Sessions” and “Mandatory Pilsner Sensitivity Training.” [Our HR department has been trying to crush this last one for years.])

You know what else came as a pleasant surprise? When my wife finished her Referendariat training and landed a job as a full-time Gymnasium teacher. That’s when her income level shot past mine like a lubed-up piglet on its way to the teet. Not only did she earn more money in Euros — which, at the time, were way stronger than US Dollars — but she earned more after taxes. (Unsolicited Expat Tip of the Day: Most Germans think of their paychecks in terms of net income. They lack the requisite sense of entitlement to think of pretax money as their money. We Americans like to focus on the exact amount Uncle Sam is stealing from us, crank up our blood pressure a notch or two, then simmer through the rest of the day in impotent rage. It’s tradition.)

Anyway, when my wife landed her job, suddenly she was the primary earner, and I became a trophy wife with fake tits and an adorable hobby / business venture. You might think this would crush a real man’s ego, but if you’ve read this blog before, you know I’m not a real man at all. I loved her new pay grade! Where we simply split our financial obligations before, now we could do things on a sliding scale. And the peace of mind was the best part; I knew if I ever had a bad month, she could cover the difference and save me from taking it in the shorts.

Of course, the power dynamic has shifted a little; I can’t just shoot down every purchase decision and Ebinizer Scrooge my way through life anymore. My wife has her own money, so the other day when she suggested we get our wedding rings engraved, I refused, saying I would not be spending any more money that month. To this, she replied:

“But maybe I can spend money. I am the bread maker now.”*

*Of course she meant “bread winner,” but I like her expression way better. 

If you would like to read another classic Denglish post, check this one out: My German Wife Explains the Optimal Weather Conditions for Seasonal Allergy Attacks

A Year in Review: American Expat in Germany Looks Back at Blogging in 2014

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2014 was pretty sweet. My wife started working as a full-time Gymnasium teacher, and I enjoyed some modest success as a self-employed graphic designer. We moved out of our affordable (yet questionable) apartment and joined the Stepford Wives by moving into a house way out in suburbia. Overall, it was a great year; one in which my wife and I both felt as if we’d taken a big step forward. The only bad thing that happened was when some drunken idiots tried to steal my bike, failed, and proceeded to beat the everloving shit out of it.

But you know what’s really cool? What just rules entirely? You do. Our readers. You’re so positive and encouraging — you’ve really helped make this blog the humorous refuge it was always meant to be.

We would like to sincerely thank you for reading and invite you to take a look at some cool blogging information from this past year, including:

  • Funny Statistics
  • Our Most Popular Post from 2014
  • The Countries Where Our Readers Come From
    …and of course…
  • Our Top 5 Blog Commenters of the Year

Here’s an excerpt:

The Louvre Museum has 8.5 million visitors per year. This blog was viewed about 400,000 times in 2014. If it were an exhibit at the Louvre Museum, it would take about 17 days for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete 2014 report for Oh God, My Wife Is German.

 

American Expat Celebrates 2nd Year Living in Germany

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“Every party has its casualties.”

Holy monkey! It’s been 2 years since I packed up all my crap and flew to Germany. Honestly, I thought I’d been here for 3 years, but my German wife reminded me it only feels that way. Anyway, to celebrate last night, we made a pizza, uncorked a bottle of wine and watched a movie. (Which actually means we tossed some extra onions on a frozen pizza, unscrewed a €2 euro bottle of Merlot while the movie started playing and then passed right the fuck out.)

Early the next morning, my wife interrupted my precious Earl Grey time by attempting to show me how I would be cleaning the house after she starts teaching again next week. She pushed a broom around the living room, explaining how I would actually need to lift the furniture in order to sweep beneath it. That’s when she knocked the broom handle into one of our empty wine glasses from the night before. *DONG, smash!* The sound it made as it shattered was like music to my ears.

“HAW HAW!” I laughed, pointing. “Do you realize if I had done that, you would be all super pissed right now? But look at me! I don’t even care! Please learn from my example.” That earned a grudging smile and a quiet chuckle from my wife as she continued sweeping, albeit without the verbal instruction. (Gentlemen readers, I ask you to examine the picture above. Notice how perfectly the glass shattered, yet retained its overall shape? This is the most beautiful example of household justice you will ever see.)

The past 24 months here in Hannover, Germany, have been filled with moments like this; funny occurrences, jam-packed with adorable Denglish quotes and mortifying culture shock encounters. I can honestly say I have yet to experience even one dull moment in this fine country. Every day brought something new. There was that mandatory integration class to deal with, a terribly frustrating visit to the dentist, a surprise delivery from the mailman, the omnipresence of our evil old neighbors, and two memorable trips to the zoo. These are just a few of the adventures described here at Oh God, My Wife Is German, and you, my awesome readers, have been so gracious as to share them with us.

Thank you for reading and for always being so supportive. You’re just the best audience ever, and I look forward to (attempting) to make you laugh for years to come.

Enjoy the rest of your summer!

— OGM

NOTE: If you have been reading this blog and commenting on our posts for a long time, please send me an email and let me know, because I would like to make sure I have a link to the blog or website of your choice in the sidebar section titled OUR FRIENDS.