Category Archives: Videos

Movie clips from our experiences in Germany.

Violent Arachnophobia: My German Wife Kills the Biggest Spider Ever

Giant German House Spider

“Hello Satan. I knew you’d come for me one day.”

There are lots of things I love about my German wife — she’s smart, funny and beautiful, to name a few — but she also has this one particular characteristic which warms my heart every time I see it: Whenever she sees a spider in our home, she grabs the nearest shoe, swings it up over her head and brings it down with ten thousand times the crushing force necessary to end its life.

You see, when it comes to executing spiders, my wife tends not to fuck around. Oh, she’s not proud of herself for killing them — she knows they’re mostly harmless and she should probably just let them outside instead — but nevertheless, her knee-jerk reaction to seeing a spider is murder, and I just love that about her.

My wife is actually a very gentle person, and she abhors violence. That’s why the spider can’t be too big. If it’s huge, she starts to see it as “more of an animal,” and can’t bring herself to kill it. Me? I’m the exact opposite. I believe in spider karma, so I’ll readily share my office with a tiny little wall crawler. I’ll even talk to it. Name it Sebastián or something. But if I see some giant, hairy bastard come swaggering in, I’ll jump up and stomp that bitch straight back to hell.

I actually wrote a blog post about this very subject last year: American Expat in Germany Nearly Killed by an Acorn, Vents His Shame upon the Biggest Spider in the Universe. The spider in that story was bigger than a €1 euro coin. But just a few nights ago, my wife and I were sitting in the kitchen when an even bigger spider ran across the floor. This one was the size of an American silver dollar:

American Silver Dollar

“Disgusting.” — Image Credit: PhotoAtelier ( — Subject to CC 2.0 License.

Now, we were mid-sentence when she saw it, so you can imagine my alarm when her eyes went wide and suddenly darted down and to the left. Oh great, I thought to myself, I get to spend my Friday night chasing a plague rat out of the house.

I was actually sort of relieved when I saw it was just a spider, but oh my Christ was it huge. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any spare change to toss at the beast for comparison, so you can’t appreciate its size from the video I recorded, but you can bare witness to its execution.

Check it out, and have a great week everyone!



ADAC Helicopter Lands Right in the Middle of Peine, Germany

ADAC Helicopter Lands in Peine, Germany

“ADAC: Just landing wherever the hell we feel like it.”

Not long ago, my German wife and I took a day trip to Peine, Germany. Peine is a little town 40 km east of Hannover, and according to the half-assed google search I just did, it has a population of about 48,000 people. In the 1950s, 7.5 kg of medieval silver bullion were unearthed beneath the streets of Peine, because apparently, those filthy medieval Germans never discovered the piggy bank.

So there we were, enjoying a couple of brew doggs at a café in the middle of the town square, when a very loud propeller-type noise descended upon us. The wind started to kick up something fierce, just blowing shit all over the place:

“What’s that noise?” I asked, wincing as a piece of dirt flew into my eye.

“I think it’s an ADAC helicopter,” said my wife.

“… What the fuck is an ADAC helicopter?”

So, apparently, ADAC is the largest automobile club in Europe. It’s a lot like AAA in America, in that they help out stranded motorists and provide emergency life flights for their members. And since this helicopter was soon joined by a police car and a stretcher, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what we were seeing in Peine that day. Some old bastard probably keeled over in the apartment building next door — “This is it, Doris! This is the big one!” — and ADAC showed up to haul his white ass to the hospital.

Here’s the video I recorded. Check it out, and have a great week everyone!



Expat Life in Germany: Taking Day Trips to Hamburg


“Danish beer at the Hamburg Harbor? Clearly we are going to hell.”

Last weekend, my German wife and I took another one of our day trips to Hamburg, Germany. Like a big boy, I boarded the Metronom train all on my own in Hannover, switched trains in Uelzen, then met The Wife in Lüneburg. (And I didn’t get lost once!) Lüneburg is a super cute town, so we strolled around and ate lunch before continuing on to Hamburg. What follows is a 2.5 minute video of the journey, including lots of beer, rain, and one terribly deformed homeless person.

*** WARNING ***
Video contains a lot of swearing. You might want to cover your delicate little baby ears.

If you would like to check out another one of our posts about Hamburg, check out: American Man Speaks with Prostitute in Hamburg, Germany

Visiting Konya: Pictures and Videos from Our Trip to Turkey


So much tea, it will forever haunt my dreams…

As you may have read from our last post, my German wife and I recently enjoyed an epic trip to Konya, Turkey, and we had a blast. This post, however, contains the pictures we took, plus a video at the end, which will give you a nice summary of our experience in just 4.5 minutes.

Here are our pictures! We hope you like them!
Click one of the thumbnails below to start the slideshow and see the captions:

*** WARNING *** Video contains some colorful language. (Also, the sound quality absolutely blows, so you may need to adjust your volume settings higher or lower, depending upon which scene you’re watching.)

If you would like to read the original Konya post, check it out: Discovering Konya, Turkey: The Top 10 Preconceived Notions Dislodged from My American Brain

American Expat and His German Wife Return to the Hannover Adventure Zoo


“That’s right, you filthy little animals — we’re back.”

This summer, my German wife and I returned for the second time to the Hannover Adventure Zoo. We were blown away all over again! The place is just so badass! It’s huge, with tons of wildlife, and they even have a boat tour. The Canadian Yukon exhibit is incredible all by itself, but you can also see exhibits from Africa, India, Australia and North America.


A zoo so big it’s basically impossible to see in one day.

There’s so much to see, my wife and I always try to get to the zoo as early as possible. (We also pack as much beer as we can carry, which is totally allowed.) The sheer number of animals boggles the mind, and the thematic details are just amazing. It’s like Disneyland, only filled with deadly animals. You really have to see it for yourself.


This one is not so deadly, but if you get too close he’ll kick you right in the zipper.

Anyway, we hope you enjoy this video, but even more importantly, we hope you can visit the Hannover Zoo in person! You’ll love it!

*** As usual, this video contains a few swear words. (If it didn’t, it just wouldn’t be any fun at all.) ***

Would you like to see our first video from the Hannover Zoo? Check out our post, The Hannover Adventure Zoo – As Experienced by A German-American Couple in Germany.

And for more information about the incredible Hannover Zoo itself, check out

Thank you for visiting our blog! We hope you have a fantastic summer!


The 2013 Soulplex Dance Competition in Hannover, Germany – As Experienced by An American Expat and His German Wife

2013 Soulplex Dance Competition Hannover Germany

Pictured: Rapidly moving hormone factories.

For my wife’s birthday this year, I bought tickets to the 2013 Soulplex Dance Competition right here at the Theater am Aegi in Hannover, Germany. Soulplex brings together dance groups from all over Europe, and the winner gets €2,500 Euros. This year, competing teams came from France, Belgium, the UK, the Netherlands and Germany — most of whom were teenagers or young adults. And I gotta be honest with you; if I tried even one of the high-speed dance moves these kids pulled off, I would pull a muscle, rupture a disk and paralyze myself before the music even started.

Before I describe the actual performances themselves, I’d like to begin by pointing out the 3 things I noticed upon entering the Aegi theater:

  1. Beer is allowed inside the auditorium. Beer, wine, liquor — whatever the hell — you can bring your indulgence of choice right to your seat. This is all business as usual for my wife and her German compatriots, but for an American expat living in Germany? This shit just never gets old! I love it! I must have hit the concession stand like 4 times for brew doggies, and the only drawback was having to make an equal number of hasty exits to the bathroom: “C’mon kidneys! Don’t fail me now!”
  2. The audience is comprised entirely of teenagers. When my wife and I walked into the auditorium, we discovered a pulsating, undulating hive of high school students. And they stank. Oh my God, this unwashed horde smelled like cotton candy and swamp ass. In every sweaty, sticky claw was a bottle of Coke and a bag full of Haribo gummy candies, and not one of these little monsters had taken a shower that day. So please, if you own one of these things, I beg you; make it wear deodorant. Shame it if you have to. Rub perfume samples under its armpits if you must. Just don’t let it group together with its friends inside a crowded theater, because when these things swarm, they sully they very air we breathe.
  3. Young girls scream like banshees. I kid you not, from the time the show started until it ended, there were girls screaming at the top of their lungs. They cried the names of their friends on stage and howled for their favorite teams, and none more loudly than the gaggle of hell-geese sitting immediately to our left. They shouted the name of one team in particular: Entourage (spelled ‘En2rage‘). But they didn’t just shout out, “Entourage!” like one might reasonably expect. They screeched the name, so it sounded more like, “AHNTOHRAGE! OH MY GOD, AAAHHHNNTOOORAAAAHHHGGE!” Now, I want you to imagine the veins popping out of their foreheads. Arteries just barely managing to contain the surge of pubescent wildfire coursing through their bodies. That’s how zealous they were about it. The sound was so grating I was sure their throats would give out — vocal cords exploding from their mouths like those snake-in-a-can practical jokes… oh, that would have been beautiful.

The show began with a scruffy-looking guy with dreadlocks as the MC. He rattled off some German and then introduced the judges. There were 3 of them, and they came from American and Canada. The judges performed solo routines, and then each team — no larger than 20 people — performed their routines in turn. The Wife and I wanted a team called ‘TOCSICK‘ to win. TOCSICK came from the Netherlands, and they were all girls. They wore white t-shirts, black pants and black lipstick. To be perfectly honest with you, they scared us a little. But they were awesome. Their routine seemed to be a mix of Hip-Hop and African dance, and I say that with absolutely no idea what I am talking about. They won 3rd place, but everyone in that auditorium knew they deserved 1st. The crowd went nuts for them and the other dancers got on the ground and bowed down to them. Literally. See if you can spot them in the video below.

This video captures snippets of each performance in chronological order, followed by the 3 finalist teams performing one more time for the judges. See if you can find the following: screaming girls about to blow out their voice boxes; our favorite team TOCSICK kicking ass; the founder of Soulplex, Darren Drake Baldric, proposing to his girlfriend; and the super queer routine by ‘Tom2Rock‘ with the blinking LED lights (that one was hilarious).

Would you like to see another one of our videos? Check out the 2013 Hannover Oktoberfest.

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The 2013 Oktoberfest in Hannover, Germany – As Experienced by An American Expat and His German Wife

Hannover Oktoberfest Ride 2013

“How do you say, ‘Stop the ride, I’m gonna hurl’ in German?” — Photo by Kai Nehm (

You know us: I am an American expat, my wife is a wacky German, and together we live in Hannover, Germany. Once again, we ventured to the Hannover Oktoberfest at the Schützenplatz fair grounds. This year, we rode all the rides, listened to all the music, ate all the food and drank all the beer. ALL OF IT. We also filmed the entire thing, so you can experience it with us! Check out the video below:

WARNING: Video contains a few F-bombs and some other swear words. (And screaming. Lots of screaming. From me, a full-grown man.)

Would you like to see another one of our videos? Check out our trip to the “Hannover Adventure Zoo.”

If you liked this post, please follow our blog by entering your email address in the upper right corner of this page. You’ll receive future posts directly in your inbox! No spam, ever! You can also follow us on Twitter and Facebook.