My German Wife Complains About Getting Cramps While Jogging

funny jogging picture of a woman running alone

“Wait up, Honey! I just blew chunks all over this new shirt your mother bought me!” — Photo by rosmary — Subject to copyright — (https://www.flickr.com/photos/rvoegtli/)

As you may already know, I often jog around the Maschsee here in Hannover, Germany. It’s about 3.9 miles in circumference (6.3 km), which is a pretty good bit of exercise for someone who sits in front of the computer all day long making pretty things for money. The first time I successfully ran the Maschsee, I wanted to throw up as hard as possible. I wanted to vomit like a dog who’s been gorging on something nasty it found in the garbage — back all hunched over real tight, mouth open and drooling, making that awful, full-body dry heaving sound, like, AHYUK-KA YUK-KA YUK-KA — and then BAM! Paydirt.

Although jogging the Maschsee has become progressively easier each time I’ve done it, there is one thing which still challenges me: talking while running. It gives some people cramps or stitches in their sides, but personally, I just don’t have the cardiovascular fortitude for it. Not after the first minute into the run or so. After that, it’s a test of willpower and socially acceptable masochism, and wasting oxygen is like spitting in the eye of the exercise gods. I’m pretty sure every dude who ever dropped dead while jogging was trying to hold a conversation at the same time, like it was no big deal. But oh, it was a big deal, for Lord Cardio the Spiteful is a god who demands your full attention, lest he become jealous and smite thee with a cataclysmic aneurysm.

old-cemetary-with-moss-covered-grave-stones

“Welcome to your new home, big mouth.” — Photo by Martin Pettitt — Image subject to copyright — (https://www.flickr.com/photos/mdpettitt/)

So back in the winter of 2012, my wife actually joined me for a jog around the Maschsee. (A rare occasion, as my wife is a teacher, and teachers work way more hours after class than you might think.) We managed to go most of the way around before we decided to walk. As we were walking, we were passed by another couple — a man and woman with superior thighs and exemplary calf muscles — who were running at a good clip while conducting an effortless conversation. I mentioned to my wife how impressive I found this, to which she replied:

THE WIFE: “If I try to talk while I run, I get these horrible side-bites.”*

*I think she was translating the German word, “Seitenstiche,” or “side stitches.”

 

 


 

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9 responses to “My German Wife Complains About Getting Cramps While Jogging

  1. “Side Bites” I like that. I wish you could see the advertisement that I saw on your post. It fit seamlessly with the picture of the graveyard, on the bottom it said, ‘buy more, save more.’ in big bold letters, and in very, very tiny print it mentioned ebay…

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  2. Welcome to your new home, Big Mouth. Ha ha. Side bites, I love that. I’ve quite running now I guess because of back bites (back pain).

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  3. See, I don’t jog at all. I only ever do swimming. Which relieves me of the decision to talk or not to talk. It’s a lonely life though…

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  4. Hi there, I chck your bog like every week. Your humoristic style is awesome, keep up
    the good work!

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  5. Side bites, hm? *giggle* – But hey… don’t tell me you didn’t know immediately what she was talking about!! ;-)

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  6. oh gosh, I LOVE it! I ride horses, so I at least have the horse to talk to, but if I come back after a break from riding I get everywhere bites… :D

    Like

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