“I knew this language barrier wouldn’t be a problem.” — Photo courtesy of larsen-life.blogspot.de
On October 4th, 2012, I attempted to get a haircut here in Hannover, Germany. I was long overdue for a good shearing, and I wanted to clean up a little because we were about to see my wife’s entire family to celebrate her father’s birthday. I chose a place called ‘Fast Cuts,’ which appeared to be the German version of Supercuts. Anyway, none of the hair stylists at Fast Cuts spoke English and my wife could not translate for me because she was at work, so I did what any red-blooded American male would do; I swaggered into that chop shop like I owned the place and got my hair did.
Here’s how the conversation between me and the tattooed hair stylist girl went, if you were to translate everything directly into English:
ME: “Good day to you. I understand very little German.”
STYLIST: “Okay.”
ME: “I would gladly take a hair… a hair… a hair slice. Shit.”
STYLIST: “Yes. Would you like to hang up your coat?”
ME: “Oh. You said ‘coat.’ Yes. Perfect. Thank you very much.”
STYLIST: “How would you like your hair cut today?”
ME: “I have no idea what you are saying to me right now. Please, a half of one millimeter over, and then five millimeters to the left, to the right, and behind.”
STYLIST: “What?”
ME: “Centimeter. Dammit! I meant one half of one centimeter over.”
STYLIST: “We have attachments for 12, 8, 6 and 3 millimeters.”
ME: “Three. Three is perfect. I don’t know.”
STYLIST: “Wow. Okay.”
ME: “And please, make it very boring up high. Right here.”
STYLIST: “Faded? Near the top?”
ME: “Yes. Awesome. Perfect. Thank you very much.”
STYLIST: “Do you want me to use the electronic hair clipper?”
ME: “Yes. Everything.”
15 minutes later I was staring into the mirror, dazed and confused, getting to know my brand-new buzz cut. Let me tell you, this mother was short. I paid the girl, tipped her a Euro for some reason, then stumbled out of Fast Cuts a few inches shorter than when I arrived.
The first thing I said to my in-laws when I greeted them two days later was, “Hello. Good night, isn’t it? I am sorry for my skull. I know I am not a skinhead.”
Click here to learn more about the term “Culture Shock.”
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I pay ridic amounts of money for my haircuts just so I can have people who can speak English…
Is that how it works? Dammit!
Here in the US I pay ridic amounts of money for my haircuts so I can have my hair done the way I want it–by a guy for whom English is a second language. ;)
Oh, now isn’t that just perfect, Jenn. :)
How do you feel about requesting your next haircut in his native language instead? :)
If I knew how to say anything more than “thank you” in Albanian, I would totally do it. :-)
Haw! Right on. :)
I speak German and I think I’d struggle to tell the scissormistress how to cut my hair.
Thank you Jim! I appreciate that. :)
in a way I envy you – you are forced into a position to learn german or suck at everything :) that’s powerful motivation!
TOTALLY. My options are to struggle through every interaction, or man-up and learn this monster. I choose the latter.
Are you learning German?
you bet.. slowly.. two hours per week, 5 years so far. I am headed to germany in december, and my family will be relying on me to do communication when english isn’t so reliable so that’s my motivation. plus i’m stubborn and can’t turn my back on the time invested already.
i mean, it’s not japanese or arabic where I have to memorize a billion new characters or learn to read from right to left on a page, and there are no words in common with english.
have you thought about doing one of the immersive courses?
http://www.goethe.de/ins/de/ort/ham/kur/enindex.htm
That is fantastic! Great job man! Keep going for sure!
Oh, I will be forced to take an immersion course here in the next month or so. I just have to gain my permanent resident status and then it’s on. Like 4 hours per day, 5 days per week. Holy smokes, that’s a lot of Deutsch!
Gaaaaah! I just read your post to my colleagues … laugh-out-loud hilarious! (With all due respect to your dearly departed hair, and the social misery than ensued.) Hope your Haare grows back schnell!
Oh right on, Hmunro! We love it when people share our posts!
Please let us know the next time something is funny enough to share! It’s great motivation.
Have an awesome day!
Ray Stevens said all there is to say about getting a haircut out of town:
http://www.last.fm/music/Ray+Stevens/_/The+Haircut+Song
Haw! Thank you Jaton. That’s just great. :)
Buzzcuts are totally in. ;) Great blog!
Thank you Zenith! We’re so glad you like it!
Would you like to follow us?
I already am! Lol
Hey, are you guys anywhere near Stuttgart?
We’re way north, in Hannover.
Are you in Stuttgart?
No, I’m in Australia but I want to travel to Stuttgart oneday. From what I’ve heard people say about it, it’s a lot like my hometown but better. lol I’ve heard a lot of good things about it.
Right on! If we ever go to Stuttgart, we’ll be sure and send pictures!
How’s the weather in Australia right now?
Cool! :D
The weather here…. to be quite honest, it’s bipolar. One moment it’s sunny and warm, next minute it’s windy and overcast. It can’t seem to make its mind up! Lol
Think nothing of it. German hairdressers are all bastards. Whenever I go there, they cut me a hole in my hair on the back of my head, because they think I dont see it. Gets bigger all the time.
Haw haw! Jesus, Anon… we must put a stop to this. :)
I admire your chuzpah of going to the hairdresser in Germany at all. My German is nigh on perfect and even I have the greatest respect for Germans who wield a double set of sharp blades for a living. Maybe next time take a picture of yourself how you want to look like?
Thank you Sandra! I am nothing if not recklessly adventurous. I knew I would either end up with the greatest haircut of my life, or the absolute worst. Either way, it was gonna be noteworthy. :)
Next time I will take a notecard with me, dictated by my wife.
How goes the pregnancy?
Noteworthy… I’d say, hehe.
Pregnancy is going smoothly, thanks for asking. The finish line is in sight, so beware of ever more Germans populating this crazy place.
Good! The more the better!
I still don’t know what the word for “tapered” is in German, but the guy who cuts my hair gets it right nonetheless.
Please ask him and then tell me! I can’t figure it out!
Hilarious! Culture shock amplified!
Thank you, Hook-man!
Great post on the 14th, by the way:
http://youvebeenhooked.wordpress.com/2012/10/14/lancelot-interrupted/
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all day!! At least hair grows…
Right on Bumble! Thank you!
How’s your week going thus far?
Great! Sounds you’re settling in quite nicely, albeit with a shorter than-you-like haircut.
Exactly. And my ears have never felt so light and free. :)
OMG! I don’t even know what to say but may I suggest to get a visual dictionary?
German-English Visual Bilingual Dictionary: English – German / German – English (DK Bilingual Dictionaries)
Maybe that helps. :)
~Anja~
Oh that’s awesome! Could make a nice Christmas present!
Thanks Anja!
Here is my “debriefing blog” on the same topic … http://clugstonsingermany.blogspot.de/2010/10/snapshots-of-leipzig-4.html I prefer to cut the kids hair. Looks like crap, but free crap.
Great post! Thank you for sharing!
I like free crap too! :) Good luck with your expat adventures!
Wow – This made me laugh!! Thanks for sharing!
Thank YOU for reading! We’re glad you enjoyed it!
Any rage-inducing shower experiences of your own?
Sure… but I’m afraid I’d be just too embarrassed to tell… *blush*
I understand. :)
But if you ever change your mind, please let us know! :)
This is hilarious. You’re a very brave man, indeed.
Here was your red flag, just in case you didn’t catch it the first time:
“…tattoed hair stylist girl…”, and “Stylist: Wow. Okay.”
That was your cue to say “just kidding!”, er, “nur ein Scherz” (courtesy, Google translate)!
Love your blog. It’s always funny. Good luck!
Thank you for the kind words, Blitz! I always find it encouraging when someone finds these posts funny.
And Google Translate ROCKS, doesn’t it? It’s word-for-word, so grammar gets all screwy, but still. Awesome.
Man, that was gigglingly funny. Thanks.
Thank YOU! Please come back and comment whenever you like!
I laughed so hard tears were streaming down my face…sorry about that…
NICE! Thank you for reading! Always glad to hear we made someone laugh. Have a beautiful day, Hang!
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