Monthly Archives: September 2012

Video: How to Use American Electrical Appliances in Germany

Check it out! Our very first video post from Hannover, Germany!

Apparently, European outlets kick out a vicious 220 volts of electricity. Sissy American appliances, like my electric razor, are only designed to handle 110 volts. I was told by several people (I’m looking in your direction, greasy electronics nerdling from Fred Meyer) my appliances would be ruined if I tried them in Europe. Before I moved, I bought a dozen grounded European to American outlet adapters from Amazon.com for $1 each. These adapters very specifically say, “This will not convert the voltage from 220V to 110V,” so I was expecting a real fireworks show.

When I arrived in Germany, I tried one out and did my very best to destroy my electric razor. Here is the video.

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Denglish 72: My German Wife Disapproves of My Baby Name Suggestions

My wife and I have in no way made up our minds about having kids. Some days it seems like a pleasant enough idea, and other days it seems like a singularly cruel torture reserved for fools and condom haters. And yet, inexplicably, we enjoy coming up with baby names just for fun.

I am partial to weird names, especially first names that sound like last names. Harrison. Buckley. Jagger. The weirder the better, because I believe a unique moniker is more likely to give rise to a unique individual. My wife, however, disagrees with me just as hard as her tiny German body will allow. She likes safe first names, but she doesn’t like them because they are safe; she likes them because she likes boring things. This was why, back in January of 2012, our discussion concerning baby names ended like this…

ME: “What do you think about the name ‘Donner’ as a boy’s name?”

THE WIFE: “Donner? Hmm, it sounds like ‘Donna,’ the girl’s name. I can’t hear the difference between ‘Donner’ and ‘Donna.’

ME: “That’s because your ears have an accent.”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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Culture Shock 1: An American Fails at Asking for Permission to Take a Picture of an Electric Car

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Look at that thing. Just charging itself all the live long day.

On September 9th, 2012, The Wife and I took a tourist walk through Hannover known as “The Red Thread.” We didn’t finish the entire tour, but we did end up at the town hall building, where we saw a Renault Twizy electric car being charged in the parking lot. I was so impressed I had to take a picture, but the owners, an older husband and wife, walked up right at that moment. Wanting to be polite, I asked permission.

“Entschuldigung Sie bitte. Darf Ich ein bild aus deine Auto nehmen?” I asked with an American accent so thick you could hear the baseball and smell the apple pie. Luckily, the man’s gesture in response let me know I was welcome to proceed. As we were walking away, I asked my wife if I had spoken correctly.

“He understood you,” she replied. “But in Germany, we say ‘make’ a picture. Also, ‘aus’ means ‘out of,’ and ‘Auto’ is a neutral noun, rather than feminine.”

Dammit,” I said, clenching my fist. “So, basically, I just asked that man if I could steal a picture out of his she-car?”

Click here to learn more about the term “Culture Shock.”

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Denglish 71: My German Wife and Her Unique Tool for Hair Removal

Let me be clear on something, in case you haven’t already figured this out; my wife and I are disgusting. We openly fart in front of each other then laugh about it, we clean up each other’s vomit and other bodily fluids, and we pinch and pop all manner of nasty skin developments on each other’s skin… just like a couple of chimpanzees grooming one another at the Zoo. On one such occasion in the early days of 2012, while she was pinching an ingrown hair on my leg, my wife stated with frustration…

THE WIFE: “My fingers can’t reach. I need the clapper.”

ME: “You mean tweezers?”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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Pictures: My Lufthansa Flight from Portland, Oregon, to Hannover, Germany

On Sunday, September 2nd, 2012, I flew with Lufthansa Airlines from Portland, Oregon, to Hannover, Germany. This was a fortuitous date, apparently, because employees of Lufthansa went on strike right before my flight and immediately after. I totally threaded the needle on that one, like Tom Berenger in Sniper — “One shot, one kill.”

I arrived without problem in the arms of my wife on Monday afternoon, September 3rd (a day later, because the flight from the US to Germany is one long mother).

Also, the Lufthansa strike is over, thankfully, because I have a massive flight-crush on Lufthansa and I would hate to see my winged lover’s reputation sullied.

Here are the pictures from my intercontinental journey. Click one of them to open the gallery. Let us know if you can dig ‘em!

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Author of “Oh God, My Wife Is German” Expatriates to Germany

Oh-God-My-Wife-Is-German-Logo-No-Text

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Contact Information:
Alberto Fummelotz
VP Communications
Oh God, My Wife Is German.
(503) 123-4567

“Oh God, My Wife Is German” Actually Moves to Germany

“Oh God, My Wife Is German,” a snark-ridden marriage blog founded in Portland, Oregon, is moving its base of operations to Hannover, Germany.

PORTLAND, OR (September 2, 2012) — “Oh God, My Wife Is German,” an ostentatious and wildly sarcastic blog highlighting the misadventures and near total communication breakdowns occurring between an American husband and his German wife, is packing up its imaginary office in Portland, Oregon, and moving to Hannover, Germany. The blog’s author is a native of Portland, where he works as a full-time graphic designer and copywriter. “This is a huge change for me and I’m really nervous,” stated the author. “In fact, I’m about 99% sure I’m going to throw up right now.”

“Oh God, My Wife Is German” revolves primarily around the author’s spouse, referred to only as The Wife. According to the blog, The Wife is a fun, smart and (unintentionally) hilarious German woman. She also happens to be gorgeous. “Seriously, she looks like Shannon Elizabeth from that movie American Pie, minus the fake hooters,” said the author. The Wife holds two Master’s degrees and is currently attaining her Ph.D. while working as a Gymnasium teacher in Hannover, Niedersachsen, Germany. She is cited frequently in posts categorized as “Denglish,” which feature direct quotes providing insight into her experiences with the English language and her unique sense of humor at large. In one such post, as the couple was shopping for baby gifts, they observed a small outfit apparently intended for a newborn. With her characteristically matter-of-fact tone of voice, The Wife observed, “Look how small it is. Definitely for a fresh baby.”

The couple has been apart since mid-June, when The Wife returned to Germany after a year-long stay in the United States on a work visa teaching primary school students. She has spent the past few months setting up their new apartment in Hannover. “She found us an awesome apartment there,” said the author. “She furnished it all, from floor to ceiling — literally — because apparently Germans take everything when they move out. Like, when she said we needed to ‘buy a kitchen,’ I thought she meant a dishwasher and a couple of plates or something. Oh no; she meant our kitchen would begin with four walls, an electrical outlet and a couple of water pipes. I have since learned that when a German moves out of an apartment, that motherfucker takes everything. Even the light fixtures.”

While The Wife readies their new home in Hannover, the author has been frantically dismantling their previous life in Portland. As a homeowner, he prepared their house for a future renter while selling extraneous furniture, clothing and appliances on Craigslist. “Why would you haggle over a $15 weight scale?” asked the author. “It’s basically free; you’re just moving it out of my house for me. Do you really need to know its exact measurements, usage history and feng shui potential? God I hate people from Craigslist.”

The author will board his flight to Germany on Sunday, September 2nd, and arrive in the arms of his loving (and inexplicably patient) spouse the following day. Once settled, he intends to resume regular blog posts to “Oh God, My Wife Is German,” in which he will write about life as an American expatriate in Germany and mercilessly needle all things Teutonic… especially The Wife.

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