Monthly Archives: July 2012

Denglish 69: My German Wife Finds My Old Dungeons and Dragons Stuff

Dungeons & Dragons (abbreviated as D&D, AD&D or DnD) is a fantasy role-playing game typically enjoyed by, but not limited to, young men in their teenage years. It involves dice, character sheets, maps, drawings and a variety of rulebooks. One person is the Dungeon Master (or DM), and he or she is in charge of the storyline in which the other players operate. Players engage in adventures across a quasi-medieval world, battling dragons, orcs and other monsters while advancing their characters toward increasingly powerful levels of experience.

Dungeons & Dragons carries a massive social stigma, especially when played by adults. Even mentioning its name will garner eye rolling and sighs of disapproval, followed closely by slander against your level of social maturity, physical development and sexual prowess. Typically, people who insult adult D&D gamers have never played the game themselves; they are dicks and they lack the requisite imagination to wage a successful campaign in a land rife with magic and sorcery. (And they’ve probably never even heard of Raistlin Majere. *snort*)

One of the funnest parts of the game is creating your character. After you’ve chosen a race (human, dwarf, elf, etc.) and a class (fighter, thief, magic user, etc.), you then get to choose an alignment. Character alignment is defined by 3 primary options: Good, Neutral and Evil. There are sub alignments to choose from as well, like Lawful Good, Neutral Good and Chaotic Good. I won’t get into the specifics of character alignment here, because I can feel my body slipping back into pubescent dorkdom, but I want to stress the fact that I used to love this aspect of Dungeons & Dragons in particular.

So, back in December or 2011, my wife and I were clearing some room in a closet when we came upon a relic from my past; a dusty copy of Advanced Dungeons & Dragons, 2nd Edition, Player’s Handbook. I was visibly excited, flipping through the pages with my wife looking over my shoulder. When we reached the chapter on character alignment, I began explaining why Neutral Evil was my favorite role to play.

ME: “It’s so fun! Your character is always causing trouble! You can be a villain, like an assassin, a henchman or a mercenary or something, and just do whatever you want! I always chose to be a magic user, see, because—”

THE WIFE: “What does alijenmint mean?”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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Denglish 68: My German Wife Describes an Instance of American Flatulence

If you are a regular reader of our blog, you know my wife and I are not the least bit shy about ripping ass in front of each other. We think it’s hilarious, and we even compliment one another on the volume level, duration and bass of our flatulence. We have an especially good time breaking wind in bed, where we are more likely to be entangled in a close embrace from which neither of us can escape. And this is the reason why, back in October of 2011, I grabbed my wife’s wrist and rolled over onto my side so she was forced to spoon me. I then proceeded to rip a healthy amount of ass directly against her legs, to which my wife replied…

THE WIFE: “I felt your fart on my knees. You flexed your butt muscle.”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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Denglish 67: A German Teacher on Child Discipline

My wife is a Gymnasium teacher, which, in American terms, means she works with students from 5th grade all the way up through high school. She’s basically a really high-end prep school teacher, and her students are some of the best and brightest Germany has to offer. Additionally, these students want to be in school; acceptance into a Gymnasium is based upon academic merit, and students must graduate from a Gymnasium before they are allowed to attend a university. Combined, these factors contribute to a focused educational environment without much need for corporal punishment.

My wife, however, spent the last year in the United States as an assistant teacher at a primary school, where she worked with children from kindergarten through 5th grade. You can imagine the stark contrast in maturity she experienced working with a bunch of snot-nosed ankle biters in America. Although she is not a fan of physical punishment, my wife voiced her frustration with one of the more unruly children thusly:

THE WIFE: “I am not saying to spank the child, but sometimes diamonds are made under pressure.”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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Denglish 66: My German Wife Is Violently Proud of Her Salad Dressing

My wife and have fun in the kitchen, like when we wage pizza wars, eat fat or narrowly survive food poisoning. And we’re pretty healthy eaters, generally speaking. We make spinach salads almost every night, upon which we pour a little bit of our homemade honey mustard dressing. I think our dressing is pretty good, buy my German wife loves it. She loves it so much, she compares it to all other salad dressings we encounter. Like that time back in the spring of 2011, when my wife took me out to dinner at Jake’s Grill in SE Portland, Oregon, for my birthday. As we were leaving the restaurant, my wife casually stated…

THE WIFE: “Their salad dressing was lame. I expected fireworks in my mouth. Our dressing kicks balls.”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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Denglish 65: My German Wife Attempts to Describe Menstrual Cramps

A smart, sensitive husband will never ask his wife if she is on her period. Asking this questions seems to evoke a surprising amount of anger from the fairer sex. I have been surprised by the sheer ferocity of this anger in the past, but since meeting my wife, I think I finally understand it; asking a woman if she is on her period is similar to asking if she is temporarily insane — it devalues anything she might be saying at the time while suggesting she is not in control of herself. For men, the equivalent insult is experienced when we finally open up to our wives about our emotions, share our feelings and even shed a tear or two in the process — only to have our wives turn to us with one eyebrow raised and ask, “Are you drunk?” (The answer is yes.)

Though I might not ask my wife straight up if she is on her period, I am still curious about the menstrual cycle in general. Like, how does it feel? Does it suck? (I bet it sucks.) So, on a particularly slow drive home from work, I turned and asked, “You’re on your period, right? What does it feel like?” To which my wife, in her High-German accent replied…

THE WIFE: “Like cramps in my ooteris.”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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