Monthly Archives: June 2012

Denglish 64: My German Wife (Somehow) Reinvents the Cause of Sexually Transmitted Diseases

As I’ve explained in a previous post, I have dry skin and full lips for a dude. Sometimes they’ll chap even though I am diligent about applying lotion after every shower and every time I brush my teeth. I even keep a tube of ChapStick on my person at all times. Sometimes the left half of my top lip will dry out, turn red and itch for a few hours for absolutely no reason whatsoever. During these moments, I find it hard not to mess with the dry skin — I’ll touch it, scratch it and look at it in the rear-view mirror of our car every 5 seconds while my wife and I are driving home from work. It was during one of these commutes back in December of 2011, as I was toying with yet another spontaneous dry patch, when my wife turned and admonished me…

THE WIFE: “What is on your lip? Stop playing with it. You get a herpes.”

Gentle reader, please take note: I do NOT have herpes.

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Denglish 63: My German Wife Explains American Underwear

I’ll be real honest with you, Dear Reader… I hate shopping. It doesn’t matter what I’m shopping for — it could even be for something I like and genuinely want to purchase — it’s the process I can’t stand. Getting in the car and driving to the store (‘cuz this is ‘Merica, goddammit, and walkin’ is fer queers); pacing around inside the store trying to locate the item I need while dodging a gaggle of loud, poorly trained children; choosing between similar items based upon a stressful balance of price v.s. quality; then giving up my hard-earned money to some highschool kid with tight black jeans and a facade of bored confidence so thin I could fold it up like a paper airplane and sail it across the room, where it would jab one of those poorly trained children right in the eyeball and provide me with the only moment of this shopping experience I might actually enjoy.

Maybe it’s because I’m a guy, or maybe it’s because I’m an incredibly lazy guy, but I think you’ve guessed by now I do not go shopping often. If I do go shopping, it is almost certainly because my wife forced me to go (and probably under threat of domestic violence utilizing her freakish German strength). Back in November of 2011, my wife made me go shopping for underwear because almost every pair of boxer briefs I owned had holes in them. And not like those little holes appearing from normal use — I’m talking about huge holes where the elastic band has torn away from the rest of the undergarment like a crescent moon rising above my bitter pink juicy fruits.

So, as we were driving through Beaverton, Oregon, we stopped off at a Ross store (because in addition to being lazy, I am also cheap) where we found several new pairs of boxer briefs for me. I have no idea which brands they were; Calvin Klein, Hugo Boss, Polo Ralph Lauren — just thinking about these things gives me a headache — but apparently they were of pretty high quality, because as we were leaving the store, my wife informed me in yet another fine Denglish moment…

THE WIFE: “We got good brand name underwear for you. It is better than buying Fruit of the Lube.”

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Denglish 62: My German Wife Fails a Quiz on Reproductive Anatomy

As you may already be aware from our post Denglish 55: My German Wife Recommends a Swift Cleansing of the Genitals, my wife is sometimes unclear on the English words for human genitalia and how wonderfully they can be mistranslated. (And yes, I fully realize I have no business whatsoever making fun of her for this, since I can only refer to my junk in German by saying, “Ich habe einen Steifen in meiner Hose.“)*

So, back in August of 2011, my wife had forgotten the word “genitals,” and asked me to help her remember it. I gave her a few clues, but she struggled, looking into my eyes with what was clearly a massive amount of concentration. I couldn’t take that wide-eyed, Bambi stare of hers for very long, so I prompted her with another clue: “The word you are thinking of is kind of like ‘testicles’ but it starts with a ‘G.’ Can you guess what it is now?”

THE WIFE: “Gesticles.”

*Let it be known, my own wife is the one who taught me that colorful German expression mentioned above, so I hope my Mother-in-law will continue to operate under the impression that I am a perfect angel who would never have uttered such a tasteless sentence without constant pressure from her horrible, evil-minded daughter.

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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