Denglish 58: My German Wife and the Freakishly Unsettling Way She Eats Bananas

There are a variety of methods for banana consumption. You can bite off a chunk, chew it and swallow it. You can cut the banana into slices and use a fork to place them in your mouth. Hell, you can even cram that mother down your throat and swallow it whole like Jenna Jameson in one of those stag films I keep hearing so much about. I consider all of these examples perfectly acceptable — especially that last one — but my wife does not eat bananas in any such ways as these; she likes to place the first few inches in her mouth and then shave the underside with her lower teeth as she withdraws the fruit. This shaving action produces pulp — something like a banana mousse — which piles up at the base of her mouth. She then swallows this frothy white load and resumes the process anew. (Again, a lot like Jenna Jameson.)

Now, as a straight male watching a beautiful young woman consume a banana, I cannot help but imagine trading places with said piece of fruit; it’s a guy thing, and I am not ashamed to admit it. However, my wife’s fruit scouring habit not only destroys this fantasy, but leaves me wondering just how much pain and lasting tissue damage it would inflict upon my little German helmet.

But you know what else is a guy thing? One of which we should never, ever, feel ashamed? Ripping ass in front of our wives. Hey, we’re married and everyone farts — it’s okay to fire off a round or two and make no effort whatsoever to conceal it. Why, just the other day, in fact, I broke wind and sat down next to my wife as she was consuming a banana in the disturbingly toothy manner described above. “Awww…” I groaned, “You’re doing it again,” — to which she offered an abundantly dismissive shrug:

THE WIFE: “You farted in front of me. I can scrape my banana.”

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37 responses to “Denglish 58: My German Wife and the Freakishly Unsettling Way She Eats Bananas

  1. I think your wife is correct. (In her statement. I’m not judging positively or negatively the banana-eating method.)

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  2. well done sir, well done as usual … you transitioned from banana eating to farting … I think I’m in awe.

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  3. well done sir, well done as usual … you transitioned from banana eating to farting … I think I’m in awe.

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  4. rhondagcoleman

    You are funny, sir. Awesome blog. I tried to think of a less spammy way to say this comment but it’s too early.

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  5. Are you familiar with the song “Banane” by Die Ärzte? I’m sure your wife would be happy to translate the lyrics for you. :-)

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  6. Sounds brutal. Now I have an “innie.”

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  7. absolutely, hilarious! also meaning to ask you…how do you like those ads…are you having a good experience with them? xo, sm

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    • Thank you! I’m glad you liked this latest post!

      As for this new program, WordAds, the advertisements themselves are obnoxious. They’re too big and too prominent. However, they also earned us $4.52 for the month of April. Once that total hits $100, we get paid. I think I will put up with WordAds for a bit longer and see if it’s worth it. But no, I am not pleased with how they clutter our blog.

      What do you think about them?

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  8. Instead of a stock photo, I think you should have inserted a film showing your wife eating the banana–just from the nose down so she can keep her anonymity, of course. I agree with her assessment of the situation. :o)

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  9. Hilarious! And scary – but in a funny way!

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  10. I for one, would not mind at all if any woman ate a banana in said fashion in front of me. As a matter of fact, I need to start a fad where all women eat bananas seductively. We can call it banana-ing or something. It’s really a win-win. BTW, thanks for the picture! lol

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  11. Oh you men. I was watching MTV a long time ago (don’t judge) and a female consumed a whole banana. I didn’t get it at first because I am a girl but that episode receive a lot of male interest. It’s just fruit for her :-) Anyway, I don’t get the whole farting thing with you guys. The smell is dreadful, if I don’t want to smell my own, then why should I be tortured with someone else’s.

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  12. Oh my gosh…I thought I was the only person who ate bananas that way… Must be a Euro thing? Maybe?

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  13. hahahaha! You are just too funny! hehe… oh man LOL

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  14. andieversustheworld

    So I bought banana yesterday. And since I was starving and I can’t wait to get home before I eat it, I ate it while walking. Then I remembered this post. And just for fuck’s sake, I tried your wife’s method, and then there’s this guy who looked at me like I’m some retard. He stared. Really stared. He even stopped walking!

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  15. I’ll never think of bananas the same way again! Sorry you she ruined it for you!

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  16. Pingback: Denglish 71: My German Wife and Her Unique Tool for Hair Removal | Oh God, My Wife Is German.

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