Monthly Archives: April 2012

Denglish 57: A German Method for Stress Management

My wife and I have been through some stressful times. We’ve experienced the logistical nightmares of a long-distance relationship and the heart-wrenching uncertainties of being an international couple attempting to plan a life together. We met up in New York for a romantic tryst, which resulted in both of us acquiring a now legendary case of food poisoning. We arranged a year-long work visa for her in the States, during which we both worked full-time, shared one car, supported each other through family health crises on both sides and planned our own wedding simultaneously.

Needless to say, our stress levels have known some impressive heights. At times, we were so stressed out we had tearful meltdowns, trouble falling (or staying) asleep, and our skin broke out in pimples unseen since adolescence. However, with my blind, American optimism and my wife’s depressing, German pragmatism, we managed to turn our stress into something we could joke about by personifying it as a little red devil-creature — one which grows fatter the more stress we feed him. At times he has been emaciated, and at times he has been obese, but he will always have the name my wife gave him when I asked, “This stress demon of ours… what should we call him?”

THE WIFE: “Alberto Fummelotz.”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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Denglish 56: My German Wife’s Well-Intentioned Fitness Goals

My wife and I are fairly healthy people and we like to keep ourselves in shape. However, before we were married, my wife came to live with me while teaching primary school in the United States for a year; a 12-month span in which spare time became one hell of a valuable commodity. Between the two of us working full-time, planning our marriage, sharing one car, preparing our lunches in advance each evening, my German classes and her doctorate degree research, our exercise options were pretty much limited to joining a fitness club, where we hoped the financial commitment would guilt us into lifting something heavier than our totally awesome beer steins.

So, The Wife and I went back and forth over the issue of jogging around the neighborhood for free, or paying money to sweat it out with a bunch of grunting Philistines. My wife articulated her point thusly:

THE WIFE: “I really like the idea of gym membership right now because I wanna work out with you and then we both look incredible and feel healthy as shit!”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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Denglish 55: My German Wife Recommends a Swift Cleansing of the Genitals

My wife and I are still in that stage of our relationship where we enjoy showering together. You know the one I’m talking about; that nauseatingly sweet period of time in which you are perfectly willing to stand outside the spray of warm water, shivering to death in the cold, while your significant other takes her sweet-ass time rinsing some weirdo raspberry and Brazil nut conditioner out of her hair.*

However, we don’t always have time for these kinds of sexy, slow-motion Hollywood showers that totally happen in real life. Sometimes we barely even have time to wash ourselves at all, which plays hell with our hygiene and my wife’s English vocabulary:

THE WIFE: “Remember, we will also shower later, so for now we should just wash our testicles.”

*My wife would like our readers to know she does not use any such “weirdo” hair conditioners as the one to which I alluded above; she uses whichever brand is cheapest and “stinks like hell the least.” My wife would also like our readers to know she does not have testicles.

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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Denglish 54: My German Wife Answers Nature’s Call in Washington D.C.

During the long-distance portion of our relationship, The Wife and I flew several times between Frankfurt, Germany and Portland, Oregon in order to see one another. My wife has flown into every international airport in America, so she’s quite the travel veteran, but there’s no getting around the fact that the distance between Frankfurt and an airport like Washington Dulles is over 4000 miles — or approximately 9 hours of flight time — and that is a very long wait when you don’t like going poo poo on airplanes. So, during one such trip, as my wife was trying to make her connecting flight in D.C., she sent me the following text message:

THE WIFE: “I need to use the bathroom. I will first go through security and then I will lay my egg.”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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Denglish 53: Proper German Conduct for Hawaiian-Themed Bars

Back in February of 2011, The Wife decided to join me for my German class at Portland Community College (PCC). We had a few hours to kill before class, so we stopped at a Hawaiian-themed karaoke bar on North Interstate called Alibi, where I ordered a big, steaming pile of macaroni salad. Immediately, I began complaining about the food and the fact that I didn’t feel like going to German class that night, which earned me the following rebuke:

THE WIFE: “Don’t be a dick in a tiki bar.”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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