Monthly Archives: September 2011

Denglish 26: Taking A Trip to the Big Apple? Don’t Worry About the Little Things.

Anticipating our trip to New York back in 2010, I was worried something might go wrong to prevent us from fully enjoying our vacation. I shared with my wife how much it would suck if our bags were lost. What it our flights were cancelled? What if one of our family members got really sick?

THE WIFE: “I hope everybody stays alive until we get to New York.”

(Apparently, my wife would not have been terribly inconvenienced if, upon our arrival at JFK, our loved ones all marched gleefully into Death’s cold embrace.)

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Denglish 25: A German Wife Uses Google Chat Emoticons to Defeat Her American Husband

In Google Chat, you can type “<3″ and a little heart will jump to life in your chat window, conveying love and affection to your conversational partner. Of course, all your good intentions go right out the window when you’re typing with an über-competitive German woman:

ME: “I love you! <3 <3 <3!”

THE WIFE: “<3 x 100! What do you say now? :) “

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Denglish 24: What Do You Call A Flip Book (Stop Motion Animation) in German?

I once described flip books to my wife; an animation method using sequential pictures drawn on pads of paper. By flipping each page in rapid succession, you can create simple, 2D movies. She had this to say about it:

THE WIFE: “It is like Thumb Kino!”

(Apparently, “kino” means “cinema” in German.)

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Denglish 23: What Do You Call A Documentary in German?

I am a huge Netflix junky; I rent tons of regular movies, but I also love documentaries. Thus, when I mention a “movie” we’ve just received in the mail, The Wife can never be sure to which I am referring:

ME: “Honey, would you like to watch 127 Hours with me?

THE WIFE: “HELL yeah. Is it a movie or a dokumentation?”

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Denglish 22: American Chivalry Dies Just a Little More

My wife and I were buddies before we got together, and as buddies, we took a lot of pictures together. For some reason, she always liked to climb on top of fences or sit on dangerous ledges as we posed for said pictures, causing me to remark with caring, chivalrous words of caution just before the flash went off:

ME: “Be careful climbing the fence; I don’t want to have to rescue you.”

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Denglish 21: Eggs, Cheese and Meat – High Standards for A Proper German Breakfast

My wife eats a lot of traditional German meals. For breakfast, she often arranges her plate with a semi-hard boiled egg beside a slice of dense, seedy bread, which is covered with some kind of fattening dairy spread or a horrifying layer of soft organ meat. Before we lived together, I tried to emulate this meal in order to better understand her culture; I tossed a hunk of French bread on a paper plate with some sharp cheddar cheese and a slice of pepperoni, then sent her a picture of it:

ME: “Did you see my totally German breakfast?”

THE WIFE: “…I did. It’s a start.”

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Denglish 20: How to Write A Good Packing List, According to My German Wife

As a true German, my wife is a big fan of lists — especially packing lists. While packing for our trip to New York City in 2010, she texted me, in these exact words:

THE WIFE: “Do you think I should bring an extra blancet, for EXTREME cuddle time?”

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The Pipe Story: The German Scores a Free Briar Wood

After a long workday, The Wife and I enjoy smoking tobacco out of a pipe and drinking a few PBRs on our back porch. It’s our thing. We refer it as, “having hell of brew doggies and pipe rips.”

Anyway, we bought a cheap pipe from Amazon.com, but it didn’t draw very well; getting any smoke was like trying to breastfeed from a doorknob. We took it to a local tobacco shop and presented it at the front counter.

“This pipe doesn’t draw very well. May I gain some advice from your resident pipe expert?”

A plump little cigar troll appeared from the back storeroom. “Let me see it,” she said, taking the pipe in one clawed hand. “It’s probably just clogged.”

She began violently twisting the stem from the pipe, her meaty hooks wringing the life from it like a farmer throttling a chicken, and then came the sound: *eee-err-eee-err-SNAP!* The stem fell to the counter, shattered. You could practically hear our thoughts:

THE WIFE: Du Narr! Ich hasse dich! (You fool! I hate you!)
ME: …Oh you ditzy prostitute.

That’s when we were joined by a new pipe expert — Nervous Girl. She was at least 6′ 2,” which I did not appreciate, and visibly anxious. She hurriedly explained we would receive a replacement pipe, though my ears must have been plugged, because I didn’t hear an apology in there anywhere. She then examined our broken pipe and informed me it wasn’t drawing very well because it was too cheap. So, apparently, a hollow stick with one burning end has to be lined with gold dust and pixie dreams in order to put smoke in my lungs.

“It probably wasn’t working because it’s not a brair,” stated Nervous Girl.

“What’s a briar?” I asked.

“A pipe made of briar wood,” she replied. “We only sell briars here.”

“Oh good,” I replied. “C’mon honey, let’s go pick one out.”

Nervous Girl gave us a brand-new briarwood for free, and all condescension aside, The Wife and I were rather pleased with the result of our quest for advice. I did feel a little bad for that rotund smoking gnoll who broke our pipe though, for later that night her cobblestone pillow would surely run slick with nicotine tears.

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Denglish 19: My German Wife Rocks Me at ‘Rock Band’

Occasionally — very occasionally — The Wife trumps my knowledge of American rock music:

ME: ” ‘More Than A Feeling‘ by Journey is by far the funnest song to play on Rock Band.”

THE WIFE: “True… but ‘More Than A Feeling’ is by Boston. :) “

ME: “DAMMIT!”

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Denglish 18: Severely Chapped Lips Fail to Impress My German Wife

I have dry skin and full lips (for a dude), and I often find myself complaining about how easily they chap:

ME: “God my lips are chapped. I don’t deserve this at all! I use ChapStick like a crazy person and I always remember to put lotion on my lips after every shower. This is bull crap.”

THE WIFE: “What is a chap stick?”

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