I have something to say to all of the German people on this planet. All of them.
Your gender-specific nouns are unnecessary.
Look, I love the German language — I really do. In fact, I am trying to learn it just as hard as I can. However, I am absolutely baffled as to why your nouns must have genders, and why these genders must be expressed through articles. Oh, and your nouns aren’t just masculine or feminine either; they can also be neutral (or “neuter,” as it is horrifyingly spelled in German Phrases for Dummies). Next, you add indefinite articles to the mix — also subject to these three genders — plus the four cases (Nominative, Genitive, Dative and Accusative), and suddenly you’ve given me a dozen ways to show an entire country of people I have the language skills of a mason jar full of turkey gravy.
It’s hard enough to memorize the nouns of a foreign language — why must I also memorize the entirely random genders associated with them? “Oh look, a bird!” No no, that’s not just a bird; that’s a male bird (der Vogel). “Wow, I’m talking to a know-it-all genius!” Nope; that’s a neutral genius (das Genie). “How strange, is this a gun I am suddenly pointing at you?” Foolish American, that’s a female gun (die Waffe).
People of Germany, I must conclude your articles were designed to confuse and embarrass me, for it was their superfluous genders which forced me to order this neutral beer from a masculine bartender and spill it all over my feminine pants. That said, I will continue to learn your language, but I will do it the American way; with turdcutter stubbornness and deep-fried, ham-fisted bravado.
Mark Twain wrote the ultimate bitchfest on the German Language. Check out his essay, The Awful German Language, and witness the true master at work.
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